Rodney Dangerfield Introduces the World to the Diceman (1987)

Rodney Dangerfield Introduces the World to the Diceman (1987)

(audience applause) – All right. All right. I tell ya, folks, this next gentleman comes
from Brooklyn, okay? (audience cheering) And I guess the best way to describe him is to say he’s the typical boy next door. Say hello to Andrew Dice Clay, okay? Here we go, hey Andrew! (audience applause) (audience laughing) – Little Miss Muffet sat of a tuffet eating her curds and whey. Along came a spider,
he sat down beside her, he said, hey, what’s in the bowl, bitch? (audience laughing and applause) Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50. (audience laughing) Little boy blue, (snorts) he needed the money. (audience laughing) Was an old lady lived in a shoe, she had so many kids, her uterus fell out. (audience laughing) Mary, Mary, quite contrary, trim that pussy, it’s so damn hairy! (audience laughing) Old mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone. She bent over, Rover took over. (audience laughing) She got a bone of her own, I don’t know. (audience applause) Yeah, good old Mother Goose, remember her? I fucked her. (audience laughing) Yeah, it’s unbelievable, huh? So, is that the girl, huh? How long you going with her? Four months, huh? Cheating? (audience laughing) Yeah, not yet, sure. Yeah, me too. (audience laughing) But you gotta be careful, you know, when you get a good one, because there’s a lot of disease, you can’t really cheat today. It’s not like four, five years ago. Where you could come home,
lie with a straight face. They be like, where were you all night? Having coffee with the guys. (audience laughing) No you weren’t, you were cheating on me! No, I was having coffee. Really? (chuckles) Yeah. (audience laughing) Yeah, sure I was, honey! But if you do cheat on her, do yourself a favor, wear one of those condiments, you know what I’m talking about? (audience laughing) But those things piss me off, because they only come in one size. I mean, what are black guys gonna do? (audience laughing) Go for a fitting? Yeah, three feet, man. Extra padding, I don’t
wanna blow the roof off this sucker, yeah. (audience laughing) And think of the Chinese, come on. Put a piece of gum on it! (audience laughing) All right, so you’re going
with her four months, huh? All right. She draw a nice one? (audience laughing) Bottom line, you suck a good dick, yes or no? I mean, can she suck
the chrome off a trailer and lay back with a beer afterwards? To me, that’s a lady, you know what I’m saying? ‘Cause I’ll tell ya, today they don’t suck
dick the way they used to. They dabble in it. They lay there, they
flick it, they smack it. Oh, look at the way it jumps. (audience laughing) It can sing and dance, too, now suck my cock, honey! And you know, you know they don’t
know what they’re doing, because the minute they start, they gotta look right
into your eyes, like, (audience laughing) It’s like you’re looking
down at a gopher, you know? It’s like, why you looking at me? Why you looking at me, don’t look at me, suck my dick! Concentrate! (audience laughing) And juggle the balls, what are they, orphans, honey? It’s a three piece set, Working, honing, you can’t party with the big boys, don’t show up. (audience laughing and applause) I mean, they like us to go down on them. You ever see a vagina up close? It’s frightening. It’s like a haunted house down there. It’s covered with shrubbery and weeds, you gotta cut through with a machete. And depending on their mood, sometimes they’ll just lay there. Like you’re not even in the room. You gotta check in with them, honey, am I in the right ball park? (audience laughing) A little lower. Circle to the left, what are we, backing a truck in here? (audience laughing) ‘Cause once you down there, this ain’t no five minute trip. This is a weekend. And I’ll tell you something, after 10 minutes, it
gets boring, you know? That’s why I wear a Walkman. (chuckles) (audience laughing and applause) Oh, yeah. And then they turn around
and say I’m not sensitive. I don’t understand that, my girlfriend, she’s like, well, what about foreplay? I go, honey, didn’t I smack
you around already today? (audience laughing) I like that one, you’ll hear things like, well, why do I always get the wet spot? Honey, be happy you’re on the bed when I’m through with you. Look at the dog, he don’t even have a pillow, he ain’t complaining. So what if you eat outta the same bowl, you got the fucking bed! I care about their needs. I mean here, just tonight, we’re a small group, I can tell you this story. Just tonight, this chick
is sucking my dick, right? It’s a cute story, believe me, and she’s like, don’t come in my mouth, I go, honey, I don’t
wanna fuck up your hair, we’re in a nice restaurant. (audience laughing) I’m telling ya, that’s why masturbation is king. Oh yeah, you know it, I know it, so who we bullshitting, huh? I screwed everything in
the house when I was a kid. It didn’t make no difference to me, socks, gloves. My mother’s got a mink coat that doesn’t need a hanger anymore, you see what I’m saying here? (audience laughing) I remember my mother going, we’re having liver tonight, yeah, well, I had it last night, ma. It was good. And where the Japanese coming from? What is that? Didn’t we drop two bombs
on them a couple years ago? What was in those bombs, fertilizer? (audience laughing) And they’re the worst drivers, I mean, how do you drive with your eyes three quarters closed? You could blindfold these
people with dental floss, you don’t give them keys to a car. (audience laughing) It’s unbelievable what I see, I can’t take it no more, I’m going out of my fucking mind. I mean, I go into these all night, 24 hour convenience stores. They’ve got people in there. People, things, these aren’t even people, they don’t even have a language, the things that work in there. You go in for soda, cigarettes, you’re like, yeah, how much? How much? And they’re like, (unintelligible sounds) And I’m like, you fucking geek, where do they grow you, huh? What farm were you picked off of? I’m telling you the truth. I’m telling you the God’s honor, they should have one
big sign at the airport that says, look, if you don’t know the language, get the fuck out of the country. (audience cheers and applause)

100 thoughts on “Rodney Dangerfield Introduces the World to the Diceman (1987)

  1. the 662 nonbinary assholes are hiding in their safe places… calling their mom which lives upstairs and asking them to make them some vegan dinner…

  2. The politically correct have destroyed this type of humour, it was great while it lasted.
    Alas, someday our society will reawaken and laugh again at our silly differences.

  3. Back when people wore suits for a night out. Love it. I still do sometimes for shows, and a millennial is sitting next to me with dreadlocks, a tank top, and flip flops.

  4. Don't sit in the front row at a diceman show heh heh I knew a dude who did he got off work from a landscaping job and hurried over to catch a show dice asked why his finger nails were so dirty he said because I'm a landscaper dice said no you were picking your ass

  5. How is this funny? Must’ve missed the punchline 🤷‍♂️ might’ve laughed if I was 15, still new to swearing and oblivious to real stand up comedy 😴

  6. 711 thumbs down equals 711 triggered liberals squealing in outrage crawling towards their safe space you can only laugh at someone else after you've laughed at yourself first my God what has happened to America we've gone to hell and a handbasket

  7. This diskustin
    This pig Nartisy Fashist.
    I right leter to YouTube and get take down this trump saporta afend me.
    He be so bad and rong.

  8. what a classic moment in stand up…one day you can tell your grandkids about it., cause PC culture killed stand up comedy

  9. Kids today would be crying hysterically for their safe spaces if they were at ashow like this nowadays. They can't even handle clapping today!

  10. Dear Rodney; l saw you 25 years later in California on a Hollywood float , my sister said " look thru these binoculars ! This woman looks just like you Ruth..I looked at the woman sitting next to a man with a very large double chin " that's Rodney Dangerfield "l. said" and that woman was His wife.

  11. Enter 2019… Boy next door Threatened by ANTIFA, SJWs, LGBTQ, Transgendered freaks, and democrats… now staying at Chapelle mansion

  12. For those who say you can never see this kind of comedy now I guarantee you this kind of comedy is coming again and it's all those who support the politically correct the me too movement and the left who are going to guarantee it.

  13. lol he talked shit about everybody ! Imagine if he started comedy doing that today. He'd be all over TMZ and the news being called a racist , hate foreigners and totally against faggotry along with being the poster boy as a toxic man on MEE TOO sites and posters

  14. Back when this country wasnt so PC. That last joke about immigrants and speaking English properly woulda got him in deep shit nowadayds. You cant even tell funny filthy jokes without some killjoy ruining everything. I remember the word( Retard ) was no big deal. Nowadays people make a big ass deal about it.

  15. Hear this boys and girls, this is what you call REAL comedy and not that silly politically correct bullshit that you've all been brainwashed with!

  16. Career highlight was like 3 episodes on entourage. Probably deservedly .. shits basic. It's like a smoko conversation on any building site

  17. Then she says "I don't normally do these kind of things", oh yeah what was that neat trick with carrot up your ass? Gotta love The Diceman !!!

  18. Based on some comments I see, people don't realize that this man was doing this basic material for decades now. Funny man. Really offensive towards many people though.

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