How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Styles

How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Styles


Although we have a choice in becoming the people we strive to be it is without a doubt that our childhoods shape us to a certain extent How we choose to react to different situations and the way we express ourselves our behavioral patterns that are formed starting at a young age When we first begin to learn how to make sense of our immediate environment Marriage and family counselors Dr. Mllan and Kay yerkovich discovered that everyone has a certain love style based on their upbringing A love style is comprised of our tendencies and inclinations of how we respond to our romantic partners But understanding how we love we can learn how our love styles affect our relationships. Hera are dr. Milan and Kaye yorkovich’s five love styles On:e the pleaser. The pleaser often grows up in a home with an overly protective or angry and critical parent. As children, pleasers do everything they can to be good and to be on their best behavior, so as to not provoke a negative response from their parent, Pleaser children don’t receive comfort. Instead they spend their time and energy giving comfort to their reactive parent. Pleasers are uncomfortable with conflict and deal with disagreements by often giving in or making up for them quickly. They usually have a hard time saying no and because they want to minimalize conflict, they may not be truthful and lie to avoid difficult confrontations. As pleaser children grow into adults, they learn to read the moods of others around them to make sure they can keep everyone happy. However… When pleasers feel stressed or believe that they are continuously letting someone down, they can have a breakdown and flee from relationships. Pleasers often spread themselves thin, trying to be everything to everyone when it’s not realistic and instead of forming healthy boundaries for themselves, they focus more on the needs and desires of others in order for pleasers to cultivate stable relationships, they have to be honest about their own feelings rather than trying to do what is expected of them Two: the victim. The victim often grows up in a chaotic home. Victims learn to be compliant in order to survive by putting less attention on themselves so they can stay under the radar. To deal with their angry violent parents, victim children learn at a very young age to hide and stay quiet. Because being fully present is painful for them, victim children often build an imaginary world in their heads to cope with the dangers. They face on a daily basis. Victims have low self-esteem and usually struggle with anxiety and depression. They may end up marrying controllers who mirror the same behaviors as their parents. Victims learn to cope by being adaptable, and going with the flow. They are so used to chaos in stressful situations that when they do experience calmness, it actually makes them feel uneasy because they anticipate the next blow up in order for victims to cultivate healthy stable relationships, they have to learn self-love and stand up for themselves when a situation calls for it, instead of letting their partner walk all over them. Three: the controller. The controller usually grows up in a home where there wasn’t a lot of protection, so they learn to toughen up and take care of themselves. They need to feel in control at all times to prevent the vulnerability they experienced in their childhood, from being exposed in their adulthood. People with this love style believe that they’re in control when they can avoid experiencing negative feelings of fear, humiliation, and helplessness. Controllers, however, don’t associate anger as vulnerability. So they use it as a weapon to remain in power. Controllers have rigid tendencies, but may also be sporadic and unpredictable. They don’t like stepping out of their comfort zones because it makes them feel weak and unprotected. They prefer to solve problems on their own, and like getting things done in a certain manner, otherwise they get angry. In order for controllers to form stable long lasting relationships, they need to learn how to let go, trust others, and keep their anger at bay. Four: The vacillator. The vacillator often grows up with an unpredictable parent. Vacillators learned that their needs aren’t their parents top priority. Without consistent affection from their parents, vacillators develop a deep fear of abandonment, but when the parent finally feels like giving their time and attention to them, vacillators are usually too angry and tired to receive it. As vaciillators enter adulthood they try to find the consistent love they were deprived of as children… Vacillators have a tendency to idealize new relationships, but once they feel led down or disappointed, they grow dejected and doubtful. They often feel misunderstood and experience a lot of internal conflict and emotional stress within their relationships. They can be extremely sensitive and perceptive, which allows them to detect even the slightest change in others and no when people are pulling away. In order for vacillators to cultivate healthy stable relationships, they need to learn how to pace themselves and get to know someone before committing to soon and getting hurt by their own expectations. Five: the avoider. The avoider often grows up in a less affectionate home that values independence and self-reliance. As children, avoiders learn to take care of themselves starting at a very young age and put their feelings and needs on hold to deal with their anxieties of having little to no comfort from their parents. Avoiders tend to like their space and rely on logic and detachment more than their emotions. They get uncomfortable when people around them experience intense mood swings. In order for avoiders to cultivate healthy long-lasting relationship,. They need to learn how to open up and express their emotions honestly. Which love style do you identify with? Please share your thoughts with us below. Also, we’d love to give special thanks to our sponsors, Better Help: An affordable online counseling platform for those who are struggling with mental health. If you’re interested, we’ve included a link in the description below

100 thoughts on “How Your Childhood Affects Your Love Styles

  1. Am I the only one having the impression that the mentioned childhood causes, later behaviors and offered solutions partly overlap and repeat themselves?

  2. Damn bro i'm a fuckin Vacillator. Soon as i heard a word i didn't understand i was like "Wait. Is this me? Is it me?" It was like hearing my voice talk to me as she described it. What a world

  3. its kinda weird but i am able to identify myself with all of them… i am really chaotic person and its hard to read me as everyday my views change into something different than the day brefore aswell as my overall mood

  4. I’m sorry for all of you who have gone through and sort of neglection or abuse. You’re loved and I hope it gets better!

  5. I'm having a 1, 2, and 3 experience but I'm happy enough to say I'm slowly cutting the ties with those labels since they no longer serve this version of me any longer. Its getting too tiring to maintain the "identity" and "thought processes" the these experiences come with. Thanks for the video, making me aware of these labels and some more advice on what I need to do to rid myself of them. Much love 🙂 Cant wait to venture into the unknown.

  6. Today is the 2 year anniversary of when you uploaded this video. 🤓

    EDIT- 10:18 P.M.: finishes video 6 minutes later
    I identify with aspects of each love style. I hope that changes when I start dating.

  7. I’m like a mixture of The Pleaser and The Vascillator and I noticed that a lot more 1 year after watching this video

  8. Taoism is not just a fucking art, medicine, physical therapy, not-so-religion, philosophy, fashion, cuisine, architecture, literature, spiritual dance, astrology, etc. It's a fucking: Way Of Life!!! ☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️☯️

  9. I felt like I was all 5 for some reason but mostly vacilator abd pleaser but I don't wanna be any of those, I'm dissatisfied with myself now, time to hurt others

  10. My behaviour is more that of a Valillator but not the background, since despite having loving and caring parents I gew up with a pleaser mindset always being on my best behaviour because I knew it could get me what I wanted better but almost never daring to ask for it either. It was also out of spite for my older brother who was a rather active kid back in the day and who messed with me so I wanted to be the good one out of spite

  11. As always, just collecting comments without reacting to anyone. And you as you might noticed, not every person fits into this "theory".

  12. There is a certain point of view to this video. Why are there only lovestyles for the children who come from homes where the was something clearly not present(don't like the word "wrong"). Where are te styles that take in account that the parent did had time to spend with their child and managened to create a loving and comforting home situation? And sure there is always a little something of all of them but i doubt that it will effect a child in becoming a little of all 5 styles. Which in turn makes it a completely new style.

  13. I can't really relate to one love style. I've never grown up with abusive parents, yet I sort of mix with different love styles. I would consider myself a pleaser as I want to keep people around me happy, but would push others away for a little bit when I feel to "vulnerable". I also have a little world I like to spend time in if I'm bored. So, overall, I don't really consider myself a definite type of love style but rather a mix and match between a few.
    What would you think?

  14. Controller / Avoider here… It's served me very well career wise, professionally. I like to be single though. Relationships I find complex, I over analyse and have a hard time trusting people. My parents are great people, there really wasn't a lot of affection in the house though.

  15. I am pleaser and I hate that, because I dont want to put my needs on the second place. I want to be the one who determines the direction. Is it possible to learn this ? My gf broke up with me after 6 years because I was too caring and I wasnt too dominant.

  16. Me and my brother expriced all this 4 situation afer this all this disprate years my father and mother get married again both of them i dont know why they bring us to this world if they didnt want us.after this all the civil war in my country sparte us now every one in defrent country i feel emtyniss in my heart .i know it is like a drma but this is my realty life i miss my brother a lot i didnt know what the meaning of loseing someone untill the war sparted us it really hurt inside

  17. I think im the pleaser and controller, i try to keep everyone happy by controlling what they do :/ yeah ik its wrong, but in my defence… I dont have one.

  18. I'm "The Pleaser" and it was so spot on. I have such a big issue with saying sorry, for stupid things like nudging people, being quite, or not directing my full attention to something, that my partner jokes around by counting how many times I say "I'm sorry" ever day. The numbers can get to 50 before 3rd period begins.

  19. I'm def a pleaser and I hate it, not just lovestyle or what not, it is my freakin life, I am tired of being a pretentious prick all the damn time.

  20. It's 100% true.. I always blamed my upbringing for not letting me stand for myself and here I am a pleaser. But, now I have realized it's not parents fault.. It's their insecure childhood that made them overprotective parents.

  21. since human psychology is still very much an evolving science, i do not believe that this is an accurately conclusive summary.

  22. Like that there is no option that suggests anyone is perfect. Pick your poison. The comments enhance the video by explaining that people can be a combination of several archetypes. Makes sens to me. initially did not identify with any one type, then realized I was a combination of 1 (pleaser) and 5 (avoidance). Have spent the last decade breaking free from both. Life is good. I suppose life would be boring if we solved all of our problems at the beginning!

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